Loss
by B2
Summary: Spoilers for the last volume of the manga. A Touya introspection piece.


Loss

Loss

"Hurry, Oniichan!" she cries. "Hurry!"

"All right, all right!" I place her on the seat behind me. I adjust her helmet before I turn the key in the ignition and kick up the stand. I rev up the engine. Above the roar, she shouts, tugging at my jacket, "Please hurry, Oniichan!"

We take off.

********

The streets are busy this morning. I suppose it's because it's Sunday. A thousand noises press around us, but the sounds are not what keeps us silent. I want to say something. . . 

"Oi! Kaijuu! Hold onto those handlebars! Don't think I'll take you to the bus stop if you fall off!" 

It's not what I wanted to say. But I know she understands. She nods and grips the handlebars more tightly. 

The cars move maddeningly slow. Though I can't see her face—the visor screens her eyes—I know she's worried. Each time I glance back at her, I find her looking past me, gazing ahead at the next light. She sits upright, expectant, eager. She moves her hands forward, as if her small will alone could push the cars through the streets more quickly. Each time we stop at a red light, she leans against my back, disheartened. But when the light turns green, she rises again, her hands urging the cars forward once more.

We slow to a halt. The light is green but a stream of cars chokes the intersection. Horns blare, the heat of the summer sun scorches and the exhaust of a dozen cars suffocates us. 

All this hassle for a little brat.

**********

"Touya-kun, don't glower like that," Okaasan admonished. "There's no need to be jealous." 

"I thought everything was fine just the way it was."

"It was. But now it's even better."

"I don't think so."

"Touya-kun, don't you think it's nice to have a little sister now?" Otousan asked. "Weren't you a little lonely before? Didn't you want someone to play with you?"

"She's too small to play with me."

"Right now, Sakura-chan is too small to play with you but when she grows, you and Sakura-chan can have fun together," Okaasan said.

"I still don't understand why she's here. We were all fine before she came."

"Don't you like the idea of being her oniisan?" Otousan inquired.

"No."

"But Touya-kun," Okaasan began, "Sakura-chan is so small. She's going to need a lot of help. Because you're so much bigger and wiser than Sakura-chan is, she's going to depend on you to take care of her."

"And because Okaasan and Sakura-san are very precious, you need to keep them safe," Otousan added.

"So, because I'm big and strong, I have to protect Okaasan and Sakura-chan? Because Okaasan and Sakura-chan are precious, I need to keep them safe?"

Okaasan smiled. "Yes. We're both counting on you, Touya-kun." 

**********

The wind took shape—a vague, ephemeral billow of gray before it disintegrated into ash. I watched as Otousan opened his gloved fist, releasing another handful of dust. The ash fled before us, borne away by the wind, never to return again.

I tried to hold on. I tried to keep her there with us. But she slipped away from us, never to return again. 

Happiness is like that. Love is like that. You grab onto it with both hands, tightly. You seize it, hoard it, treasure it, guard it, little thinking that it would elude your grip. But it is like dust—frail and subtle. Slipping through your fingers, past your grasp, carried away and gone forever. And you are left empty-handed.

I can't let that happen again. No, I won't let that happen again. I'll hold on, as tightly as I can, and never let go. Keep it close in my hand. And never let go.

**********

"Sakura! Sakura!"

The festival was drawing to a close, but people still thronged the streets. I pushed past them, not caring about the indignant exclamations of the crowd around me. 

"Sakura! Sakura!" Where is she? I just turned my back for a minute and then she's gone. What happened to her? 

I ran on and on, yelling her name. The lights were going out, one by one. Soon the temple would be empty. But I had to find her. I just had to. 

A lump rose but I cleared my throat, hard. No time for crying! She's here somewhere, I know it. She had to be. I'm going to find her soon. I can't lose her. 

"Sakura! Sakura!"

I dashed through the temple grounds, two, three times. My eyes roved over the grounds, straining to find that familiar little figure. A faint gleam caught my eye. Fireflies? In the garden? I ran down the stairs. Maybe she's there. She loves fireflies. . . I ran faster. 

"Sakura! Sakura!" A cloud of fireflies swirled through the air. The shining mist scattered as I walked through it. "Sakura! Sakura!" 

If only I hadn't left her alone! I should have taken care of her better! I rubbed the back of my hand against my damp cheek. I lost her. I lost her. How could I have— 

From the corner of my eye, I saw a strange shape outlined against the bole of a tree. I hurried towards it. Sakura was asleep, propped up against the trunk. Her chubby fists still held the pinwheel I had won for her earlier that evening.

I fell to my knees, exhausted and relieved. I leaned over her. She had been crying. A few drops glittered in her lashes still. I took out my handkerchief and softly wiped her eyes.

"Sakura, Oniichan is here. Wake up." 

She opened her eyes. "Oniichan?" she murmured sleepily. 

"Yeah, I'm here. Oniichan is here."

"I waited for you here," she whispered. "I wanted to show you the fireflies." 

"I know. They're very pretty. Thank you for showing them to me." 

She nodded, her eyes slowly closing. "I like fireflies."

"I know."

"I waited for you for a long time, Oniichan. I was worried." 

"I'm sorry to make you worry so much." 

She smiled softly, her eyes shut. "I'm glad you're here, Oniichan."

"I'm glad too." I brushed back the bangs from her forehead. "Sakura, it's time to go home now. Otouchan is waiting. Can you get up?"

Sakura nodded again. I gently lifted her up to her feet. "Now grab on to my neck, okay?" I hoisted her onto my back, my arms forming a loose cradle. Her head leaned against my shoulder: she was asleep once more. 

I let out a small, shaky sigh. I thought I lost her. Next time, I won't be so careless. Next time, I won't lose her again. 

**********

I'm losing her now. It's too soon, I think. I thought she'd be with us for a long time yet. Years and years and years—I thought we'd all be together. It's foolish to think that life will continue on, unchanged, static. But I still thought that perhaps, life would stay like this for a little while longer. Not forever, but at least for a little while more. And now he's come to take her away. 

I don't really like it, but what can I say? I knew this would happen, sooner or later. I guess I simply hoped that it would come later.

**********

"Li-kun!" 

"Oi!" I threw my program to the ground. "Why that little—" 

The brat was near meltdown; one minute more and the brat would collapse—or do something worse. I pulled up the sleeves of my shirt, preparing to mount the stage, when Yuki jerked at the hem of my shirt. 

"It's okay, To-ya."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Yuki merely shook his head and smiled gently. I looked to the stage again. Sakura was center-stage, her gallant little figure standing close to the boy beside her. Her hat had fallen to the floor so I could see her face clearly.

Yuki was right, as always. I couldn't do anything. She looked so happy. 

Neither the brat nor Sakura understood then. But I could see what was happening. And I didn't like it.

**********

I hate to lose something that's precious to me. I don't value many things. But the things that I do value, I want to keep with me forever. 

I lost something precious to me once, long ago.

Once you lose something, you can never get it back. That treasure is so rare, you can never replace it. And you are left poorer than before. I am not a wealthy man. 

And he wants to take something away that's precious to me. So, I can't like him.

But then, he makes her so happy.

**********

I pull up to the curb, a few feet away from the bus stop. It's close—probably too close for privacy, but I still don't trust the brat, even if she did like him. But before I could stop the bike completely, she's already running. The helmet is spinning on the pavement.

"Oi! Sakura!" I pick up the helmet. "Oi!"

She can't hear me though. I see her little figure dart through the crowd, skimming over the pavement like a bird or an arrow. Damn, she's fast. She weaves in and out, searching for his bus. I put down the helmet, ready to head over there but there's no need. She found him. 

The crowd has thinned. Next to the bus door, beneath a large window, I see her. Her arms reach out. She holds a small toy bear high in the air. He leans down and takes it. I can't hear what they're saying, but I can see their faces. He gazes down at her, a questioning look in his eyes. She nods and smiles. She asks him something in return and he nods. I want to move in closer but I know I can't. There are some things even someone as close as a brother can't pry into. So I wait. 

The bus comes to life with a shudder and a growl. She retreats to the waiting area. She waves. She's smiling but I know that she's crying. The bus lurches out of the lot. He leans out of the window, looking back for as long as she's in view. Soon, the bus pushes past the gates and merges with the hot traffic of the street. 

"Sakura. . ." I don't really know what to say, so I just stand and wait. 

"He's gone, Oniichan," she whispers. 

"Don't worry. He'll come back, you'll see. Everything will be all right."

"I know," she says. I hand her my handkerchief. She smiles. I take her hand. She squeezes it gratefully. 

"Let's go home, kaijuu." I tousle her hair with my other hand. She frowns a little at that. But then she smiles and squeezes my hand again. 

"All right," she says. 

So we walk towards the parking lot, hand-in-hand, together. 
    
    ********************************************************************************************************

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This little work was buzzing around in me brain for some time. After reading the last volume of the manga, I thought, "Hm, I wonder what To-ya was doing while those two cute little lovebirds were conversing. . ." He probably wanted to rip that little brat's head off. But because our To-ya is the self-sacrificing sort, he probably restrained his original impulses and just sat there and waited. So I decided to "fill in" that time. 


End file.
